October 1, 2015
by Mary Pat
Comments Off on Aye aye Cap’n!

Aye aye Cap’n!

Hello again! This is the 1st part of a 2 part series on Getting Co-operation Going. Did you know that the average parent issues 17 commands in 30 minutes?! And when the child’s behaviour is challenging (like getting ready for school this week in our house…), that number can rise to 40 commands in half an hour!! Here are some examples of common commands we use:
Come here
Be careful
Don’t touch that
Wash your hands
Be nice
Hey you
Watch it
Hurry up
Knock it off
Cut it out
Stop it

There are 2 problems with these commands. #1 they tend to trigger resistance rather than co-operation and #2 most of them are vague. Like what does be nice or be good actually mean? And as for be careful– we usually say this after the accident has happened which is hardly helpful! (I do all of these in spite of my best efforts.)

Think about it. Do you like being told what to do? Personally I have an allergy to it! Ask me to help you, or make a request and I’ll be delighted to help but tell me to do it and I resist big time. It’s called counter will and is related to a child’s need to develop a separate sense of self. It’s an instinctive reaction to feeling pushed, even by those we love. It’s a healthy part of their development although it can drive you mad! I’m sure you’ve been in the situation in a restaurant where the waiter says Don’t touch the plate. It’s hot. What’s the first thing you do? Well if you’re like me, you touch the plate just to see how hot exactly.

So not only do we tend to use commands excessively but we tend to repeat them too when we don’t get the response we want the first time. And sometimes we say it again even when the child has started to do what we want. And we sometimes even give commands that aren’t even that important like Wear the blue top.

So how do we engage our children’s co-operation?

Here are some ideas:

#1 Use statements instead of commands

I tried this with my little girl when I had nearly come undone over markers/colouring pens that were left without lids on- so frustrating! So she was about 2 years old and I started to say Markers need lids. And she just put the lids on- no arguing or protesting! And eventually she started to say Markers go lids herself- very cute! I tried it recently again when she was sitting on the only available spot on the sofa (the rest of it was covered in toys, clothes, etc.). I was feeling very annoyed but managed to say, (in a neutral kind of a tone), I need somewhere to sit. And lo and behold she moved over and made room for me- I could hardly believe it!!

So this is where you describe what needs to be done (in a light tone) and then you wait. More examples are:

The light’s on in the bathroom.
The door’s open.
The lid’s off the milk.

Another version of this approach is giving information:

Apple cores go in the bin.
Milk goes sour if it’s left out of the fridge.
Walls are not for writing on. Paper is for writing on.
Seats are not for feet.
People are not for hitting.
It would be really helpful if the table was set for dinner now.

(A word of warning here, some parenting people think the above examples aren’t clear and that you should give direct commands like Use both hands to hold the glass. As my mother would say Moderation in everything! I think it’s safe to say we’ll never give up direct commands entirely but this commenting has worked for me so I think it’s worth a shot.)

#2 Family rules

Carolyn Webster Stratton in The Incredible Years suggests this- I haven’t tried it yet but I like the idea. She suggests asking yourself Is this really an important issue? And Am I willing to follow through with consequences if my child doesn’t comply? Now it depends on the age of the children but you could do this with 2 and ½ year olds I reckon. You decide on the rules together and then put them somewhere that everyone can see them. For younger children you’d need pictures as reminders. I did a version of this when my little girl was about to start pre-school where I just got pictures from Clip Art and put them in a Word document – it was the sequence of what would have to happen for us to get out the door on time and calmly in the morning! She really liked the Morning Story as she called it. (After all my effort though, the times of preschool starting changed and we didn’t need it- typical!)

Here are some examples:

Seatbelts must be worn in the car at all times.
Hitting is not allowed.
Food stays in the kitchen.
No Play Doh in the bed.
No jumping on the sofa.

These are very specific too so everyone knows what’s expected.

# 3 Keep it short and simple

Instead of a big long lecture explaining why they have to do something, you could try using two or three words instead for example:

At bed time: Kids, pajamas!
Getting your child to finish their drink: Sarah, your drink!
Reminding them to bring their lunch: Tom, your lunch!
Reminding them to feed the dog: Ben, the dog!

Again, it’s important to keep the tone neutral.

#4 One command at a time

Young children will have trouble with chains of commands so it’s best to keep them simple and just one at a time. Say it once and then count to 10. Resist the temptation to say it again! Then you can move onto the next one or you might find it’s not even necessary.

#5 Make sure they can actually carry out the command

It’s not really fair to expect young children (age 3) to share their toys or even want to share them! Or for 4 years olds to keep the bathroom tidy or be quiet while parents have what seems to them like a never-ending discussion! There’s a really useful Montessori chart for different jobs for children at different ages. You can find it on my Facebook page here https://www.facebook.com/talknua

Here’s this week’s challenge which comes in 2 parts too:

Part 1

• Pick a time that suits you- about 20 minutes
• Count how many commands you gave
• If you can, write some of them down
• Circle which commands are clear and which are vague

Part 2

• Pick a time that suits you
• Try one of the ideas above for getting co-operation going
• Report back in the comments below- I’d love to hear how you get on.

And if you like this post, please pass it on to someone else who might like it too. Thank you!

Inspired by
The Incredible Years by Carolyn Webster Stratton

How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

September 16, 2015
by Mary Pat
339 Comments

Stuttering and Multilingual Families

So this week’s post is about stuttering and multilingual children. The question came from Maria whose 5 year old son speaks Spanish and English at home and has been learning German at kindergarten for 2 years. She noticed that he had started to stutter when he spoke very quickly to her in Spanish and in English. She wondered if it was normal for children to stutter when learning a 3rd language.

This is a tricky question as stuttering is a complex problem to understand and treat in general. And for bilingual and trilingual families, the research is very limited and it’s hard to find definite answers. The role of bilingualism as a potential risk factor continues to be debated. However, The Stuttering Foundation (a U.S. based not-for-profit organisation) says that no evidence has been found to suggest that speaking two languages in the home since birth causes stuttering. Colin Baker says the same thing. The Stuttering Foundation also says that there is no indication that teaching your child a third (or 4th etc.) language causes stuttering. Additional languages are often introduced around age four, which can be a critical age for both language-learning and stuttering. Now they also say that if you notice that your child’s language isn’t developing as expected or you notice the beginning signs of stuttering, you do need to see a speech and language therapist. They mention holding off on the introduction of an additional language in these cases until after age 6. However, in Maria’s situation, her little boy requires 3 languages to communicate.

Many children (up to 5% of all children) stutter. Colin Baker reports a study of 800 people (with 52 native languages) which found that there was no difference in monolingual or bilingual speakers in the chances of experiencing stuttering. People who are bilingual are just as likely to stutter as monolingual people. And bilingual people who stutter tend to stutter in all of their languages although stuttering may happen a little more in the less developed language.

Developmental stuttering or normal non-fluency as it is also called generally tends to occur most often between age 1½ and 5 (or 2 and 4 years depending on where you read). It often coincides with a period of rapid expansion of speech and language skills. It tends to be gradual in onset but where the onset is sudden, it is more likely to be severe. And when stuttering first emerges, the ratio of boys to girls tends to be equal. By the time they start school the ratio is 3 boys to every 1 girl.

According to Barry Guitar and Edward Conture (experts in stuttering), the normally disfluent child occasionally repeats syllables or whole words once or twice, li-li-like this. Disfluencies may also include hesitancies and the use of fillers such as “uh“, “er“, “um“. These kinds of dysfluencies tend to come and go and are usually signs that the child is learning to use language in new ways. They may disappear for several weeks and then come back again. If this is the pattern, then it might be that the child is just going through another stage of language learning. There is considerable variability and unpredictability in early stuttering.

For bilingual children, as their competence in the languages increases stuttering usually disappears. Using the Stuttering Foundation‘s risk factor checklist (http://www.stutteringhelp.org/risk-factors), elevated risk factors in Maria’s situation would include that the stuttering started relatively late (after age 3 ½) and that he is a boy. On the other hand, approximately 75% of 4 year old children who stutter do grow out of it.

Although Spanish speakers tend to say more syllables per second than other language speakers giving an impression of speed, the rate of information conveyed tends to be relatively stable across languages.

So in the face of all this mixed information, what should you do? I think it’s a good idea to consult a speech and language therapist who specialises in stuttering. And while waiting for an appointment, here are 5 practical ideas that will help.

#1 Interject & Reflect

I talked with Patricia Collins, a speech and language therapy colleague of mine who specializes in working with people who stutter and she suggested the interject & reflect idea. So for example, let’s say Maria’s little boy is telling her a story very quickly, she can find a naturally occurring place to interject and comment e.g. Really? How interesting! I love listening to your stories or I love the way you tell me stories.

She could model a natural, slow and relaxed rate of speech herself which creates a context for relaxed communication. She can model pausing before she speaks (Try counting to 3 in your head before responding).

# 2 Respond to the message not the speech
It’s also useful to respond to the content of what her little boy is trying to tell her as opposed to the form it takes. This is important because showing anxiety to the child isn’t helpful. My own little girl started stuttering at 2 ½ and I worked very hard to slow my own rate and cut out questions. After a lot of reflection, I realised that I was the only one who was anxious about it. I realised also that I had anxiety that was just looking for a home and it happened to be her speech!

#3 Reduce questions
I’ve already written about this here http://talknua.com/killer-questions/ and here http://talknua.com/pop-the-question/
It’s really good to reduce the number of questions and use statements instead and leave space for the child to start the conversation if they wish. And if you ask a question, wait for your child to answer before asking another one.

#4 Giving advice
It’s not helpful to tell your child to slow down, take their time, start again, take a deep breath and so on- the kinds of advice we might instinctively give. Questions to ask yourself might be:
• Can I think of other ways, apart from telling him, that would help him calm down?
• Can I think of ways to help him not tire himself out and get more rest?
• How could I help him keeps things fairly simple so that he is less likely to stutter? I realised that I was using very complex language with my little girl and had fallen into the habit of expanding everything she said to make it more complex! Then I had to work at actually saying less and keeping my own contributions short and simple.

#5 Undivided attention
This means 5 minutes undivided attention where there’s no rush. This isn’t time reading a book or playing a lively outdoor game. You let the child choose the activity and you play with him for 5 minutes giving him your undivided attention focusing on what he’s saying rather than how he says it.

Hope this helps! If you like this post, please pass it on to your friends. And please leave a comment below to let me know how you get on.

Let’s get talking!
MP

Inspired by:
Multilingual Aspects of Fluency Disorders (2011) edited by Howell and van Borsell.

National Stuttering Foundation.
http://www.stutteringhelp.org/

Scientific American article on fast talkers.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fast-talkers/

Colin Baker’s A Parents’ and Teachers’ Guide to Bilingualism.

Practical Intervention for Early Childhood Stammering: Palin PCI Approach by Elaine Kelman and Alison Nicholas.

September 2, 2015
by Mary Pat
Comments Off on Matchmaking

Matchmaking

So we are slowly adjusting to the new reality of ‘Big School’. Our morning routine is now totally different and I’m in shock! It’s such a big change for our little ones too, especially those going to school for the first time. I’ve been trying out another idea from the developmental psychology course I did and it has worked a treat so far. It’s the idea of matchmaking where you prime a connection between the child and the teacher. So, from an attachment point of view, the child forms new attachments via the parents. Gordon Neufeld, who runs the course I did, talked about an ideal world in which the preschool teacher would do a home visit and spend some time connecting with the parent(s) as a context for establishing a relationship with the child. When the child sees the parent and teacher connecting, they then feel safer to engage with the teacher. And I know I’ve experienced an unfamiliar toddler bursting into tears when I was friendly to them without having taken the time to have a brief chat with the parent!

Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen for most pre-schoolers or school going children. So what can we do? Well, the first step is connecting and the greeting is really important for engaging the attachment instincts. On my little girl’s first day at school, I was very happy to see the teacher hunker down to be at her eye level. I did the same and led by establishing eye contact with the teacher and saying hello, smiling, doing the introductions. The eye contact, a nod, and maybe a smile are all important elements of this first step. And it’s important for the child to feel welcomed in the teacher’s presence.

I had noticed that the teacher was wearing a dress and my little girl loves dresses so I made a point of telling the teacher that- we can attach to another by finding something in common and thankfully she rose to the occasion and said ‘Oh we’ll have a lot in common so’ and I sighed with relief! (The teacher had given a sign that my little girl was welcome in her presence) This isn’t going to happen every day in a busy class room but I’ve made a point every day of doing the greeting at the least.

Today then I added another element and it has made my day! So we did the greeting all at the same physical level and the teacher gave us time for a bit more chat. I remembered that we had been talking about her at home and wondering about her. So after the greeting, I kick started the conversation by saying we were wondering what was her surname and where did she live? As it turned out, we pass where she lives on our way to visit my in-laws (serendipity!). My little girl smiled when we joked about looking out for the teacher on our way past. Then she mentioned she had a dog and my little girl lit up and wanted to know the dog’s name and we’re off!

Then we had a chat about the origami heart she had in her pocket which she had shown the teacher last week. (Remember from the last post, giving the child something of yours to hold onto can help bridge the separation gap http://talknua.com/bridging-the-gap/) As it turns out, I had one in my pocket too. So she has her heart to hold onto me during the day and she knows I have one too to hold onto her while we’re apart. Well I almost skipped out of there with delight knowing that the foundations for that relationship with the teacher are being set and it’s exciting to try and think of other small, subtle, low key things to do that can continue to build it.

The role of teacher/educator won’t work without engaging attachment instincts. We learn best from people we like and it’s important for the child to attach to the teacher because the nature of attachment is hierarchical. And they need to believe that what their parents and their teachers think of them, matter more than what their peers think. Gordon Neufeld talks about his first teacher. When she met him, she said something like ‘I’m delighted to have you in my class and I’m really looking forward to working with you.’ He adored her (no wonder with that kind of a beginning!). He was bullied and what helped him cope with the bullying was the fact that what his mother and his teacher thought of him mattered more to him than the bullies. Attachments are naturally hierarchical and what keeps a child safe from hurt is a strong emotional relationship with a caring adult because the adult acts a shield against hurt inflicted by peers.
So the idea it to make a point of greeting the teacher, being at the same level physically as the child, and trying to get eye contact, a nod, or a smile. Gordon Neufeld calls this collecting. Once you have collected, then you can prime the connection by drawing attention to a liking, a likeness, something that’s important to the child. This is matchmaking which is basically getting two people to think they like each other. You’re trying to create a working relationship, engaging for the sake of engaging.

You know your child best so there’s no strict recipe to follow for this and it doesn’t always go neatly. For example, one of the days I started to tell the teacher about how my little girl loves the story of the three little pigs and it felt all wrong because in hindsight, I didn’t pay attention to the collecting part and launched into it too directly.  So it all felt a bit random and awkward!! But you live and learn and you’ll definitely know when it has worked! However, today more than made up for my three little pigs moment!

I’d love to hear what your first days at school have been like and your thoughts on the ideas in this post so be sure and comment below. And I’d love it if you passed it onto your friends.

Let’s get talking!
MP

August 22, 2015
by Mary Pat
215 Comments

Bridging the gap….

Earlier this year I did a course on understanding children in developmental psychology. I loved it because it challenged so much of what I had read about behaviour and consequences and discipline that never felt right to me- I don’t want to be the kind of parent whose default setting is ‘If you do that, then it’ll be no X Y Z’ until there’s nothing left to take away- that doesn’t feel good to me and makes me feel even more inadequate as a parent when I realise I’ve lapsed into it again! This week, as we’re all facing into school- my little girl is starting the infamous Big School- I wanted to talk about a lovely idea from the course called Bridging which might help with Back to School Blues.

The idea is that when children are facing separation, real or imagined, can feel alarmed and this can play out in behaviour. It’s not logical or rational- it’s emotional. I know I tend to forget that my little girl and myself are emotional beings first- the limbic system – part of the brain responsible for emotions is thought to the oldest part of the brain so it makes sense to me that emotions come first and reason later…

What does this mean? Well here are some examples:
If you’re on the phone, does your child become ‘clingy’ or try to get your attention? From a small child’s point of view, being on the phone is a big deal- it’s a form of separation for them- your eyes are not on them and they feel the absence of your gaze.

Or do they resist going to sleep- trying to stay awake to keep an eye on you?

We know that children need to eat often to be healthy. We know that when they’re hungry they might start to act up. We know that a good breakfast won’t be enough to do them the whole day. But for some reason, often we don’t see their relationship needs or emotional needs as equally legitimate. I know when my little girl is complaining that her top isn’t pink enough, it can be hard to remember it’s okay to want what you want! We might think that ignoring it will make the ‘clinginess’ go away. Or that time out might make them behave better.

This is where Bridging comes in. The focus needs to be on the ‘when we meet again’ part of the situation and not so much on the saying good bye. You’re bridging the gap of separation.

What do you do? There’s a lot we can do to help them make the transition from home to school. In sleep our children have been separated from us for several hours and now there’s a short amount of time before they’ll be separating from us again to be in school all day. Small actions make all the difference and needn’t take long.

So I noticed with my little girl, that she protested when I went in the shower- every morning! I made one small change which made a huge difference to the quality of our morning. I set my alarm for about 15 minutes earlier than usual and woke her up to snuggle and cuddle first, letting her know how delighted I was to see her. (I have to admit it nearly killed me to wake her up but it was worth it!) While we were snuggling, I put the focus on looking forward to having breakfast together after my shower and it has worked a treat (most days!).

The when it’s time to say goodbye, let them know how much you’re looking forward to seeing them later. You can talk about something you’re planning to do together later like reading a story at bedtime (Three Little Pigs is re-enacted daily in our house at the moment) or drawing a picture or singing Let it Go – the current obsession in our house! This helps them hold on to you and puts the focus on the return rather than the separation.

Another idea that I really liked was giving your child something they can hold on to, for example, a note in their lunch box, or something of yours to hold on to, like maybe a scarf to wear. A few times I made origami paper hearts and gave one to my little girl to keep in her pocket. Then I came across a wonderful book called “The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst. It talks about the heart connection we all hold with those we love, even when we can’t be with them physically. And another great one is Debi Gliori’s “No Matter What” which reassures the child that the relationship with the parent is safe, no matter what.

No challenge this week- getting ready for school is enough! I would love to hear what you tried out and how it went so please let me know in the comments below and let’s get talking! I’d also be really delighted if you passed this post onto a friend that might be interested.

August 5, 2015
by Mary Pat
173 Comments

Moving to a new country?

So this week’s situation is from Heather who is part of a monolingual English speaking family with two children aged 9 and 13. Her son and daughter have dyslexia. The family are moving to rural Portugal so they will be acquiring Portuguese as a second language. Heather wonders how is it all going to pan out?

Right, so first some reassuring information.

# 1 How long is going to take for my children to pick up the 2nd language?

Well, there’s language for everyday conversation- called Basic Interpersonal Communicative Skills. Research shows that children who start learning a second language (L2) after starting school can develop a good level of fluency in everyday conversation in 2 years. These skills include accent, oral fluency, and more subtle things like knowing when to use the polite or informal forms e.g. Como está? is the polite or more formal way of asking how are you in Portuguese while Como estás? is the informal version to be used with family members, children or people very much younger than oneself.

For getting to grips with the more formal language needed in school (called Cognitive/Academic Language Proficiency), it can take between 5 & 7 years for a child to catch up with average monolingual children. These skills include those closely related to developing literacy (reading and writing) in both languages.

In other words, patience is required.It all takes time and maybe longer than you might think.

I also think it’s worth bearing in mind that proficiency or skill in a language is hard to define and measure and is quite controversial in the research.

#2 Silence!

Children who are learning an additional language may go through what’s called a silent period; a natural process where children may say nothing for several months- this is perfectly normal. It can last for one month or up to six months or longer. The younger the child, the longer the silent period tends to last. Older children may remain in the silent period for a few weeks or a few months, whereas pre-schoolers may be relatively silent for a year or more.

Lots of discussion about it and it typically starts when they realise that their home language isn’t understood at school and they’re aware that their own 2nd language skills are not yet enough to make themselves understood. So they spend some time watching and listening to what’s being said around them, building vocabulary and grammar. They might then start to repeat words they hear. Then they might quietly start to practice words and phrases before finally going public with the new language.

# 3 And what about my children’s dyslexia?

There’s good news! You might be worried that you don’t speak the same language as the school and of course you want to help with homework. Here’s something important that you can do:

Ask the children to explain the homework to you in English in this situation. When the home language is different from the school language there’s a surprising added extra for the child. In translating the material, they’re actually re-thinking, reconceptualising, and digesting what they’ve learned in school. In translating for the parent, the child is valuably reprocessing, almost thinking out loud. If they have understood it in two languages, they have really understood it! Some subject specific words might require a dictionary like in maths or science. Since understanding and explanations are being reconsidered and reprocessed, deeper learning may occur. The child is helping himself or herself; the parent is given the opportunity to advise, explain, correct, and encourage.

So rather than parents disadvantaging their children, the act of moving from one language to another will often advantage the child. Yay!!

For children who have dyslexia, there can’t really be general advice as each child’s profile of strengths and challenges is unique. However, there is more good news here. For a child with dyslexia, learning to read with a consistent phonetic language has definite advantages as the child may learn the sound rules quicker than for English which is irregular: Think about the pronunciation of ‘ough’ in tough, through, though, bough. Or the famous line from George Bernard Shaw about spelling fish as ghoti: gh from tough, o from women, and ti as in nation!

For children with dyslexia, English is a particularly complex and more difficult language to learn to read and write.

Heather’s children have been reading for some time and once children have achieved reasonable literacy skills in one language there are 2 effects:
1. They’ve gained confidence in reading which is important for creating an expectation of more success in learning to read in a 2nd language

2. There will be a transfer of skills from the 1st language into the 2nd language

#4 Other things to do

Heather had some great suggestions already for what to do:

Learning the language together as a family with a 1:1 tutor which I think would be great fun and good for children to see their parents learning new things. Will be fun for them too as they most likely outpace their parents!

Having an au pair who is a native speaker so the motivation to communicate in Portuguese is nourished.

Joining clubs for activities the children are interested in. I was reading about motivation recently in Psychologies magazine. The author described motivation as a peculiar little animal- the more you force it to come out of its hiding hole, the more it retreats. And sometimes when you try to get things under control, it disappears altogether. She mentions connection as an important way to build motivation especially in teenagers. They’re likely to give priority to others their own age. This is why some of the easiest ways to build their motivation is by bringing a friend along for an outing, encouraging 2 or 3 friends to work together on a project, or signing up your son or daughter for a class in which they might get exposed to activities outside their usual scope of interest.

Children in secondary education can have their textbooks in one language, with parallel or similar textbooks in a second language also available. Therefore, in maths and science, children can have access to explanations and illustrations in both languages to help increase their probability of understanding.

For grammar work where the parent is not a native speaker-you right need to enlist the help of a neighbour or friend who is fluent in the classroom language- I used to help my little next door neighbour who was Chinese and in an all-Irish language school. Her mother didn’t speak Irish and we had great fun making up sentences in Irish together!

Hope that helps! Please pass this post onto someone who might find it useful. And email me at marypat@talknua.com to get your own post!

Let’s get talking!
MP

Inspired by:

American Speech and Hearing Association
http://leader.pubs.asha.org/article.aspx?articleid=1921108

London SIG Bilingualism
http://www.londonsigbilingualism.co.uk/advice.html

Colin Baker’s A Parent’s and Teachers’ Guide to Bilingualism.

July 22, 2015
by Mary Pat
1 Comment

Pop the question….

So here we are at the 5th Key to Even Better Communication with your Child.

This week we’re going to take a shot at eliminating those killer questions we talked about in the last post. So, hopefully you’ve had a chance to listen to yourself and work out what your favourite questions are. And you might have reduced the number of them by simply observing them. This week we’re going to look at statements and questions that will help conversation flow.

The first thing you can do is turn your questions into statements. One of the most common times for popping the question is when you pick your child up from nursery or school. Instead of ‘How was your day?’ you can try saying something like: ‘Hey! It’s so nice to see you.’ Or ‘Hello! You look like you had fun’ and leave it at that for a moment. By using a statement, you’re giving your child the choice to talk or to remain silent. For me, the choice part is really important- I see children as free to be quiet or to talk of their own accord. (I know this can be very hard when you’re dying to know what’s going on!)

Or you can try asking a different question that gives you a better chance at keeping conversation flowing:
• Instead of ‘How was school?‘, you can say ‘I had a great day at work today. Give an example (briefly!!) and then ‘How about you?’
• You can give choices so: ‘You can have two stories tonight. Which ones do you want?’
• For younger children, you can say things like: ‘Do you want to go to the park or go get ice-cream?’ (Choice questions can also help you avoid power struggles as children tend to love feeling that they have a say in what happens)

Two lovely questions I came across recently in relation to dinner time conversations are:

What did you learn today?
What questions did you ask today?

Everyone including adults were expected to answer- what great conversation starters!

With these alternative questions and statements, you’ll definitely hear more gems & get wonderful insight into their world.

The challenge:

Pick your favourite question and turn it into an open question or a statement. Report back in the comments below and let me know how did it change the conversation?

And if you like this post, please pass it on to someone else who might like it too. Thank you!

Let’s get talking
MP

July 2, 2015
by Mary Pat
3 Comments

Killer Questions…..

Hello! It’s time for Key #4. We’ve covered a lot so far and I wonder how you’re getting on with putting the ideas into practice? Please be sure and let me know in the comments. In a way, Talk Nua is all about practising more mindful communication. Not always easy in our busy lives but the positive intention is important! This week it’s all about questions: Killer Questions that stop a conversation dead in its tracks.

Oh how us grown ups LOVE questions! Here are some common ones:
• What did you do today?
• How was school?
• Did you have fun?
• Where did you go?
• How was it?
• Do you want dessert?
• Did you like your pizza?

Then there is the dead end after school conversation starting something like this:
Parent: So how was school today?
Child: Fine
Parent: What did you do?
Child: Nothing/ stuff

What has happened here to kill the conversation? It’s the pesky killer questions that only leave space for a yes or no answer at the least or a one word answer at best. Let’s see how it works:
• Q: What did you do today? A: Nothing special
• Q: How was school? A: Fine
• Q: Did you have fun? A: Yes/No
• Q: Where did you go? A: Nowhere

• Q: How was it? A: Fine
• Q: Do you want desert? A: Yes/No
• Q: Did you like your pizza?A: Yes/No

So, what to do about it? It’s hard to get out of the killer question rut. Sometimes it can feel like all you do is ask is killer questions- they just keep coming out!

This week’s challenge
• Pick a particular situation like school pick up.
• The first step is to listen to yourself and work out what
kinds of questions you ask and what kind of answer you tend
to get.
• If you’re not happy with the answer then it’s time to try
something different- I’ll cover these in the next post.

Report your favourite killer question(s) in the comments below. And if you like this post, please pass it on to someone else who might like it too. Thank you!

Be sure and check out the next post for how to turn those killer questions into conversation starters.

Let’s get talking!

June 17, 2015
by Mary Pat
260 Comments

Eliminate the Competition

Hello! Welcome to the 3rd Key to Even Better Communication with your Child.

This week we’re going to go into a little more detail about taking turns. It can be hard for children to take turns when they’re competing with others to talk. In our house, when I come home in the evening, if I am trying to catch up with my husband about the day, suddenly there appears a very loud four year old in my face, interrupting and trying to claim her turn loudly and vociferously!

Even when you have only two people talking there is competition for the turn to talk. As adults we can do this rather graciously and hold our tongue until the other person is finished. We know when we can take a turn even though the clues are very subtle. It’s things like hearing a questioning intonation or a kind of flat intonation or a pause. They let us know that we can take a turn now.

In families it can be hard when everyone is clamouring to have their say at once! Children are often very enthusiastic about sharing their stories and seem fit to burst to tell you all about it!

It might happen too when you have two adults talking but one or more eager little listeners just bursting for the speaker to stop talking so they can jump in. (My little one usually makes this crystal clear by declaring loudly ‘Stop talking Mama!’.)

In our house, there is one child and two adults and it can get boisterous at times. So what do we do? Well, we talk about turns. So I might say ‘It’s Mama’s turn to talk now. Your turn when I’m finished’. Or I might say ‘Okay, you go first’ if she is particularly insistent on talking!!

The challenge:

First of all, you have to spend some time observing turn-taking in your house. There will be times when it is particularly hectic and other times when it is more relaxed. And some people may be quicker than others at getting their turn.
• If someone isn’t as quick at grabbing the chance to speak, you could let them go first. You could say ‘Okay, Ben, it’s your turn first’.
• You could make sure everyone gets a turn at going first over the week.
• Or another way that you can make turn taking rules more explicit by saying ‘One person at a time’.
• Or you could have a competition to see who can listen for the longest time- maybe they get extra dessert!

I’d love to hear what for what works for you so please let me know by leaving a comment below. And if you like this post, please pass it on to someone else who might like it too. Thank you!

Let’s get talking

MP

June 4, 2015
by Mary Pat
199 Comments

Turn, Baby, Turn

Hello and welcome to the second article in the 5 part series: 5 Keys to Even Better Communication with your Child.

This week we’re going to explore taking turns in conversations which follows on from the last post about slowing down. When you slow down, you can spot nice opportunities to give your child a chance to take the first turn in the conversation.

Conversations are all about taking turns. In Western culture, one person usually speaks at a time. If two people start talking together, the overlap doesn’t last very long & it generally goes back to one person talking at a time. There are some cultures where it is usual for people to speak at the same time. So with this tip, you have to work out if it is culturally appropriate for you.

It’s amazing how early turn taking starts. It begins when you are feeding your baby. Imagine that! Anyone with a baby reading, try this out: notice when you talk to your baby while nursing/feeding. Usually what happens is the adult talks while burping/winding the baby & stays silent while the baby is drinking. Now they may look at the baby or touch them but they tend to stay silent. This is the start of turn taking & how babies learn to communicate. Mama says something or does something & then it’s my turn & so on.

Children also need to learn how to start a conversation which can be tricky if several people are trying to do it at the same time. I know for definite that my little girl wants a turn when I hear her saying loudly “Stop talking Mama. It’s my turn now”!!

When the adult speaks at the same time as the child, the adult may assume they have the right to continue talking (saying something like ‘Mama’s talking’- I have definitely done this more than once!!) & that the child should wait until the adult is finished. When two children speak at the same time, one might give way or they might both keep going although it means nobody gets heard or understood & tempers may begin to fray with the volume & system overload! So how do you go about smoothing out turn-taking bumps? It’s all in the challenge:

The challenge:
• Pick a time that suits you. For example, during
mealtime.
• Don’t automatically start the conversation ball rolling.
• Instead, wait for your child to make a comment, show you
something, or tell you something.
• Then you can make a comment in response.
• So, if she says, ‘There’s something cheesy tasting in
this’, you could say ‘Mmm. I love cheese. It’s so
yummy’.
• Then wait again for her to say something.

You can also do this during story-time where you open the book and wait for your child to say something before you start reading. We’ll be covering reading in another series so keep an eye out for it!

Please let me know how you get on by leaving a comment below. And if you like this post, please pass it on to someone else who might like it too. Thanks a mil for reading and see you in 2 weeks for the next installment!

May 5, 2015
by Mary Pat
273 Comments

5 Keys to Even Better Communication with your Child Part 1

Hello and welcome to the first article in the 5 part series: 5 Keys to Even Better Communication with your Child.

Over the next 5 posts I’ll cover 5 key strategies that will help you have even better conversations with your children. I reckon if you are reading this, you’re doing great already & curious about adding to your skill set as a parent. We need tricks up our sleeves! So this series is geared towards children who are using at least 2-3 words together from about 2 & 1⁄2 years onward. I’ll  be doing  another series for children who are not yet talking or whose first words are just beginning to appear so be sure to stay tuned!

 

Okay, let’s get started.

First up is slowing down. Now, there are individual & cultural differences here in relation to rate. I’m a fast talker. I’m also a speech and language therapist & a lecturer so I have to remember to slow down regularly! As strategies go, this is easy enough to do when you do it for a short burst. 1 minute is definitely doable & then you can gradually increase the length of time.

So how do you actually do it? Well, you just need to remember to pause a lot. The trick is you want to sound unhurried but natural at the same time. (Contradictory? I know! ☺) But here’s how you do it:

• You can wait a few seconds to say something after your child has taken their turn in the conversation.

• You could count to 5 slowly before you take your turn.

It also helps to try and a have a slow pace in general. It’s hard to talk slowly if you’re rushing.  (Not easy I know when you’re trying to get out the door to make it to school on time!) But pressure really doesn’t lead to good conversation.

 

And now for the challenge..:

First of all, you have to work out if your rate is fast. Maybe people have commented to you. I notice my little girl sometimes says ‘Say it again mama, loud’. But I figured out that what she really means is ‘Slow down’!

  • Pick a time that suits your situation. Maybe over dinner or when reading a story that you are very familiar with- you know the one you’ve read so often that you could recite it without any book! Practice pausing where it’s natural, for example:
  • It’s most natural at the end of a sentence if you are reading a book.
  •  It’s also natural to pause after asking a question.
  • Or you could pause after your child says something to you.

 

Best to pick one & try that one first. Then the next time, you can try a different one.

Please let me know how you get on by leaving a comment below. If you like this post, please pass it on!