Recently I read a great book called Love Bombing: Reset Your Child’s Emotional Thermostat by Oliver James. It’s a very easy read with lots of stories of Love Bombing in action. I love stories so I zipped through it! In this post, I’m going to give you a quick summary of what’s involved. It feels doable to me but challenging! I’m up for giving it a shot though!

So what’s Love Bombing? Well, the basic idea is that children need love & control in order to thrive. And that parent-child relationships create the model for all future relating- no pressure then!! So Love Bombing is a very specific process that you go through. It’s very important to go through all the steps for it to be most effective. It may seem to fly in the face of common sense (I tend to be quite suspicious of a lot of common sense though!). Some common sense approaches advise more parental control, firmer limits, consequences etc.  But have you ever noticed how you have to gradually increase the strength of the consequences to get your child to comply? Hmm- not sure about that as a long term strategy! And I never feel great if all I have are threats!

So here are the Love Bombing (LB) steps:

#1 Set aside the time

It’s not quality time but something very distinctive where you set aside a period of time where you & your child will be together (one parent). You could go away for a night or two or you could do this at home either. The LB zone is separate from ordinary life but LB-ing does feed back onto normal life & supposedly reduces the amount of nagging & limit setting needed. Explain to your child that you’re going to give them 48 hours of feeling in Total Control & Having Unconditional Love- what’s not to love, right?!! I’d love this myself!! Explain to your child that sometime soon you’re going to spend X amount of time together & are going to have lots of fun. She’s going to decide what she wants & when she wants it, within reason: you give the message that this is going to be a Big Event, It’s Coming Soon- How Exciting!

At least one week beforehand you ask: What are the things that you most want to do in the world? You tell her that you’ll do your best to arrange for that to happen. You build up to the event by saying ‘We’re going to have Total Time together- let’s make a plan of all the things you would really really like to do.’ She then draws up a list.  It doesn’t matter if it involves lots of watching Peppa Pig or board games- the key is that the child has chosen it. During the experience, you’re trying as much as possible to give her the feeling that ‘whatever I want, I get’- a very unusual experience for children of being in control and of being gratified. And a challenging one for parents!

#2 Your child gives the time a special name

Your child decides what to call the time. So it could be mummy time or mummy and me time. It doesn’t really matter what the name is. The important thing is that it’s the child who gives it the name. You don’t have to settle this right away & your child can change the name, but the crucial thing is that it comes from the child, not the parent. She may have a shorthand title for it beforehand which alters during the experience. The important thing is that afterwards this label will instantly recall the experience.

 #3 Who’s in control?

In this period of time, your child decides everything from when both of you eat, what you eat, what you do with the time- everything! Don’t freak out…..yet! You do agree some basic ground rules beforehand for example, it can’t be a trip to Disneyland, or a ride on a space ship, nothing dangerous, & so on. So it might be going to the park for however long the child wants to go for. It could be going swimming. It could be eating out. It could be watching a movie together. He says that generally children don’t actually ask for a lot when they have realised how exciting and different from the norm this is going to be. He suggests that where you hit limits (financial or practical), you have to be crafty. A demand to eat huge quantities of crappy sweets can be side-stepped by finding ones that are free of additives.

#4 Hugs and kisses

During the time you are to express a lot of affection towards your child; lots of hugs, kisses, telling them you love them just the way they are, what you appreciate about them. This may feel a little uncomfortable at first but you need to persist. This part is all about distilling an experience of what it was like to bask in feeling loved & looked after safely and reliably, when much smaller. If you go away for the night, he suggests sharing the bed as this encourages the child to relax & feel safe, like a small child again. He also suggests thinking of your child as an 18 month old for much of the LB period. Children often revert to being like a toddler, cuddling & even using baby talk. This is exactly what you are aiming for. You’re trying to give the the chance to go back to earlier periods, but this time it is really, really good: she feels totally safe, loved, and in control.

#5 A symbol

Then your child needs to buy or make or get some item that represents the time. It could be a stone or a shell from the beach or a small soft toy. The idea here is that when back in reality, your child sulks or loses their temper, you can get out this prop to trigger talk and feelings about the Special Time.

#6 When you get home

Now you need to set aside 30 minutes of Special Time (or whatever your child calls it), each day. This is to reignite the safe feeling. Again, it’s fine if it’s just watching TV because you can snuggle up together while doing this.

So that’s it! What do you think? Is this something you could do?  I’m going to give it a go and will report back as to how it went! There are lots of stories of different scenarios in the book from two nights away to shorter bursts like 30 minutes in the morning.

If you like this post, please share with your friends!

Let’s get talking!

MP

Okay, confession time! I have great trouble saying ‘No‘. My default reaction seems to be to say ‘Yes‘ to practically everything! For instance, my little girl might want me to play Three Little Pigs with her and even when I really don’t want to, I find myself sighing internally and saying ‘Okay’ but then only playing it half-heartedly and feeling guilty for not being more enthusiastic! Over Christmas, I did a 30 day wealth make over challenge. One of the tasks was to say ‘No’ to everything over the next two days. Now not things that would result in you losing your job or endangering anyone! The whole idea was to consciously say ‘Yes‘ to what you really wanted and ‘No’ to what you didn’t. Oh how I squirmed at the very idea of it! But not giving it a go wasn’t an option either so I got stuck in!

So like with any new skill, I was fairly clumsy at first and botched my first attempt. My little girl came to me with some writing she had done. ‘Want to see my writing mama?’ she asked. ‘No,’ I said and immediately felt so guilty as her little face sank in disappointment. So I changed my mind and said ‘Okay. I’ll have a look’. Hmm. Did I really want to look? Yes, for sure.

Next try was more successful maybe because I thought about it first before saying ‘No‘ and I did really mean it. I was going to make orange juice. My little girl wanted me to make smoothies and I really did not have smoothies in me! So I said in a very neutral tone, ‘No, I’m not making smoothies today’ and then I held my breath! It felt so alien to me to not give her what she wanted even if it meant denying my own feelings. There was a brief protest and I just said ‘Mmm. You really want smoothies. I’m not making smoothies today’ – holding my breath again! The moment passed, I made the orange juice, she drank it, two glasses even, and you know what? The world did not end because I said ‘No‘!

Then came ‘I want a Peppa Pig magazine’ and my reply: ‘Not today. That’s not how I want to spend my money today’. Mild protest and then we moved on to something else. I began to really enjoy it! As for the Three Little Pigs re-enactment, now I do it if I really want to but if want a cup of tea first, I just say ‘Not right now. I’m having a cup of tea first and then I’d be delighted to play it. Who will I be?’ She herself is very good at saying ‘No’ when she doesn’t want to so I am taking lesson from her while learning to say ‘No’ more gracefully each time!

Your challenge

Try saying ‘No’ for an afternoon- doesn’t have to be with your child although it might be easier to start with them!  If ‘No’ feels too blunt for you,  depending on the situation, you could try ‘Not right now’ or  ‘No, thank you’ or ‘Thank you so much for the offer but it doesn’t suit right now’. Keep your tone neutral and polite! Be sure to  leave a comment and let me know how you get on.

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For many years I firmly believed that I couldn’t draw. I remember clearly moments of humiliation from primary school teachers’ comments. I tried again as an adult with similar results! I was puzzled — I had signed up for a class to learn how to draw and yet there was no instruction. Nothing! Basically, the teacher set out objects and we were to try and draw them. I’ll never forget the night the teacher commented on my second attempt at sketching a dried poppy seed head. ‘Well, at least it’s better than your first attempt’, she said.  I had taken two buses to get there for this kind of crap?! Not surprisingly, I never went back to that class!

Then my little girl came along and eventually she started to draw. She’d ask me to draw things for her and I would cringe internally at the state of my drawings! But I realised something — she was delighted I was drawing with her and totally non-judgmental about what I produced. I had to be so careful not to disparage my drawing, as I certainly didn’t want her to become self-conscious or critical of what she was creating.  I wanted her to draw with abandon so I was going to have to learn to do so myself! So what did I do?

Changing myself first

I want to introduce Alison Beere, cartoon artist & teacher of beginner to intermediate cartooning online. You can check out her website at: www.alisonbeere.com. The way Alison teaches drawing is truly transformational. One day on her Facebook page, she posted a set of instructions on how to draw Minnie Mouse. I’m up for challenging my own limiting beliefs so I thought, ‘Right, I’ll have a go’. I grabbed whatever was close by and here’s the result. I was delighted with myself! It looks like Minnie! I showed it my little girl and she knew it was Minnie straight away-result!!

I actually cried when I read Alison’s feedback as my old, firmly rooted belief that I couldn’t draw was totally shaken.  I had to concede I could no longer say, ‘I can’t draw.’ It would be more accurate to say, ‘I haven’t yet learned how to draw’ or ‘I haven’t practiced drawing’ — that feels so different!  I haven’t spent a lot of time drawing since but my attitude has totally changed!

I  wondered whether my experience was typical, and as Alison works mostly with adult beginners, I asked her to comment. Here’s what she said:

Three phrases immediately stand out for me in Mary-Pat’s story:

“I remember clearly moments of humiliation from primary school teachers’ comments.”

“I had signed up for a class to learn how to draw and yet there was no instruction.”

“My old, firmly rooted belief that I couldn’t draw was totally shaken.”

The idea that having artistic talent is something which is inborn is deeply ingrained in our Western culture and it shows up most clearly in our language. I work with adults, and many of my students gave up on drawing early on, either as a result of derogatory comments such as Mary-Pat experienced, or because they were simply told “You can’t draw”.

People don’t realise that drawing is a language that is learned, just like any other.  A primary school teacher doesn’t expect a child to write until they have mastered the alphabet  exercises. Why then do teachers expect children to be able to draw realistically when they have never been introduced to the alphabet of drawing?

I used to believe in inborn artistic talent — until I read a book called The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle. It was the catalyst that gave me permission to try, and I became a cartoonist and teacher as a result. I’ve now seen too many people who ‘could not draw’ start my class and come out the other end as credible artists and I know now that talent is simply skill. It is the systematic reduction of errors through understanding what works (and what doesn’t) and talent is hard-won through focused practice.

The  great joy of my work teaching adults to cartoon is seeing the transformation and the childlike joy that people experience when they suddenly realise they CAN draw. It changes their whole view of themselves, and often opens them up to embrace possibility in other areas of life that they had closed down and abandoned years before.

As a result, I have realised it is incredibly important how we speak to our children around drawing and artistic talent. I’ll hand you back to Mary-Pat as the expert to help you with that…

I didn’t want to infect my little girl with my own discomfort with drawing so I did some reading. The Talent code that Alison mentioned above is excellent as is Carol Dweck’s Mindset (more on that in another post-it is startling!).

What to say?

So, we’ve all probably experienced the situation where a child comes to us & presents us with a drawing. We’re not sure exactly what it is because as adults, we assume it has to be something! We feel awkward because we don’t see something that we recognise. Usually, we say things like: ‘Oh lovely! What is it?’ Or ‘You’re a great artist!’ Or maybe a mumbled comment to another adult: ‘Abstract art, huh?’ And in return we get a puzzled look or silence. (A visitor said this in response to my little girl’s drawing- I was not impressed!!) They have twigged that we don’t get it. First of all, it’s important to remember, it doesn’t have to be anything! It’s an expression of creativity & as far as I’m concerned, there are no rules about it- don’t get me started on colouring inside the lines!

Here’s what to say when in doubt:

C:       Look Mama, I drew a girl.

A:      I see long hair. I like long hair. I used to have long hair when I was little.

Or

A:      I see a smiley face. She looks happy to me. I feel happy looking at her.

Or

A:      Oh I see you used orange. I like orange. It’s bright & cheerful. I feel happy when I see orange.

Or if it looks like a random scribble, you can describe the individual strokes that you can see:

A:      I see you went dot dot dot dot, wiggle wiggle, slash, slash. I feel energetic when I see it. 

Basically you describe what you see and what you feel. You don’t evaluate.

I’ve noticed with my little girl that sometimes she gets frustrated when colouring & not staying inside the lines. I see her frustration and hear her saying, “I can’t do it!” Sometimes I find this very challenging and have to resist the urge to contradict her and say, ‘“You CAN do it’!”  When I catch myself about to correct her feelings, I remember to acknowledge them by saying things like “It’s so frustrating when it doesn’t go the way you want, huh?” Or I can try a little distraction like, “Oh you picked a pink pencil. I like pink.” Or I might pick a pencil and together we just scribble all over the page & forget about lines — who said it had to be within the lines anyway? Then we laugh (most of the time!).

 If you like this post, please pass it on to your friends- I’d be so grateful! And you can find more interesting tips on the Facebook page- I’d be delighted if you liked it https://www.facebook.com/talknua/

See you soon!

Let’s get talking!

MP

One day last week, my little girl came home with an announcement. She is to be an angel in the Christmas play in school. With her came a list of details about costumes. As you can imagine, the angels’ requirements were: white dress or white top & skirt, white tights, optional wings (colour not specified) & tinsel around the middle & on their heads. She, however, had her own ideas. She had already decided that she wanted to wear this flowery dress (technically it has a white background). She would wear a white top under the dress only & the white tights. No tinsel under any circumstances. Wings yes but no tinsel! A silver hair bow would be acceptable though.

In spite of all the books I’ve read and courses I’ve done, I couldn’t help myself but get into a debate about what she was supposed to wear. I mentioned how every other angel would most likely be in white. That was of no concern to her! She was committed to her costume! A few minutes into the discussion however, I had a light bulb moment. What was I doing? Whoever decreed that angels must wear white anyway? And it is a drama after all and surely drama is about imagination, creativity, and representations?!! And why was I encouraging her to conform and go against her vision for her role- surely this could not be a good thing? And why was I suddenly so worried about what other people would think? And feeling anxious about getting in trouble for not following the rules? (This coming from the girl who at age 13 or so consulted with the school chaplain as to the Catholic church’s position on capital punishment in order to prove to the teacher that it was indeed supported by Catholic doctrine. And in spite of the fact that no-body else in the class agreed with me?!!!)

So I went back to the list of details. Lo and behold, it stated:

These are only suggestions. Please feel free to add your touches. We do not want any parent to buy new clothes or costumes. 

Saved by the small print! Oh the relief! Permission to not conform! (Yes, I’m aware of the irony!) We actually do not have a white dress or skirt! Yay- she gets to be the angel she wants to be. No need for further negotiations. The moral of the story? Choose your battles. Question your own stuff echoing across the years from your own childhood. And continue to encourage them to blend in when they need to and stand out when they have the chance!

PS: I have since reversed my position on capital punishment!

Welcome to The Trouble with Praise mini-series! I hope you find it useful.

So I grew up in a house with no praise. This was 1970s & 1980s Ireland & it was just not a part of my parents’ world to acknowledge effort. There was an unspoken assumption that we would just get on with it, do as we were told, & do well at school. I have to say it wasn’t the most encouraging approach! Which made me curious about praise- how we praise & what we praise. Two of my favourite books that talk about praise or encouragement are Haim Ginott’s Between Parent and Child- he has to have been one of the world’s most compassionate people. And Faber and Mazlish’s How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk.

The basic idea is that children need to be free from depending on external (our) evaluations of them so that they don’t become attached to others as the source of approval. For example, when my little girl was 4, she would often say to me ‘What do you think of my outfit, Mama?’ & I would say to her ‘What I think of it doesn’t matter. What do you think of it?’ ‘Like it.’ she would reply nonchalantly. ‘That’s the important thing,’ I would say (at the same time wondering ‘Will I be still able to do this when she is a teenager wearing a belt or a tissue as a skirt?’!!) What you want to do is have them develop their own positive self-image & not rely on other people’s appraisals.

Effective praise needs to focus on the child’s efforts & achievements and not on their personality or character. We all say things like:

You’re such a good girl.
You’re an angel.
You’re so smart.
You’re always so thoughtful.
The scarf you made me is beautiful. Really nice.

But words like good, beautiful, fantastic, awesome, & outstanding evaluate the child’s character & aren’t helpful. What can happen when we praise like this is that children reject it because their own picture of themselves is different. So let’s have a look at what the child may think when we praise character over effort:

Adult: You are such a good girl.
Child: (to herself) Well I wasn’t so good earlier when I hit my sister..

Or

Adult: You always have such nice clothes
Child: (to himself) But how will I look the next time?

Research shows that children who are praised for being smart (You did really well on the test. You’re so smart.) are less likely to take on challenging tasks because they are afraid they won’t be smart the next time. Children who are praised for their efforts (You must have worked really hard.) on the other hand, relish a challenge because they expect to have to work hard. They have a growth mind-set. Carol Dweck’s Book Mindset is fascinating on this topic.

So what are we to do instead then?

Praise comes in two parts:
1. What you say to the child
2. What they then say to themselves

We want to communicate respect & understanding by describing what delights us, what we admire. We want to recognise effort as opposed to the end product. Haim Ginott gives a wonderful example & I love it so much I’m going to put the whole thing here:

How would any of us feel if, at the end of the month, the person who claims to love us handed us an evaluation? ‘In kissing you get an A but in hugging you only get a B; in loving, on the other hand, you get an A+.’ We would be upset and feel degraded. We would not feel loved.

So here are some examples of helpful praise:
Thank you for putting away the dishes. The kitchen looks tidy again.
I liked your birthday card. You used pink & I love pink.
Thank you for tidying up. I really appreciate it.
Your note brought me great joy.

One last example of descriptive evaluation or praise:

It’s time to tidy up the toys. My little girl is reluctant! However, she gets on with it & has put all the Lego pieces into the box apart from a few strays.
1. I describe what I see/feel: Almost all the pieces are in the box. All you have left to do is put in those 3 green pieces & put the lid on. (She puts them in the box). It’s lovely to see the place tidy. Thank you.
2. She thinks: I know how to clean up. I can finish something I start.

The challenges- actually there are two this time.

Challenge #1
1. Pick a time that suits you.
a. Set your timer for 5 minutes where you are playing with your child or maybe helping with
homework.
b. Listen to yourself & how you currently praise- what words do you use?
c. Write down what you said.
d. Please let me know in the comments what kinds of things you usually say.
e. Congratulate yourself for completing the challenge!

Challenge # 2

1. Pick the situation you used for observing how you currently praise such as your child dressing
themselves or setting the table.
a. Think in advance about what you are going to say & how you are going to say it
b. Write down what you will say
c. Try it and see what happens
d. Please let me know in the comments how it went- I love hearing your stories!
e. Congratulate yourself again!

Challenge #3

If you’re feeling up to a 3rd challenge

1. Recall what did you say to yourself to congratulate yourself after completing the challenges?
b. Was it the same after Challenge 1 and 2?
c. How did it feel?
d. Please tell me how you got in on the comments

If you like this post, please pass it on to your friends- I’d be so grateful! And you can find more interesting tips on the Facebook page- I’d be delighted if you liked it https://www.facebook.com/talknua/

See you soon!

Let’s get talking!

MP